Nikki & Sebastian
Our story 09/17/16
November 10, 2016
9:22 am
It was Saturday, September 17th,
2016.The plan was that my boyfriend, Sebastian, would come to my house at about 1:00, everything was good! I felt that it was going to be an important day, I don’t know
why, maybe because he kept telling me that he urgently needed to ask me a very important
question.
I started getting ready at about 11:00, I know
that you might say but it’s not until 1, but I take long to get ready
especially as I said I felt like it was going to be an important day. The time
came and he got to my house, everything was good we ate, watched a movie, laughed,
talk, etc.
It was about 4:40 and he said that he need
to ask me an important question... He said "would you give me the privilege to
be your boyfriend?" I shocked a little and stayed in silence for a moment and I said "YES!" We hugged and promise each other that we would always be together no
matter what and no one and nothing could separate us.
From that day I was the happiest girl
alive.
Hello Nikki! I enjoyed your story, it is very sweet and it's nice to read about love. I also enjoyed your honesty about it sometimes taking a lady a while to get ready for a special day. It was a little confusing at the beginning because you said your boyfriend was coming over, but then the narrative leads to Sebastian asking you if he could be your boyfriend. I am by no means a grammar pro so please don't take any critiques negatively. There are some places where you may have a run-on or could use more punctuation (example:I started getting ready at about 11:00, I know that you might say but it’s not until 1, but I take long to get ready especially as I said I felt like it was going to be an important day. ). And in the sentence, He said [would you give me the privilege to be your boyfriend, I shocked, you would want to use quotations to show he was speaking and then you would say I was shocked to express how you felt. Overall I enjoyed your story. Thank you! ~Fatima S (Team 1-University of South Alabama)
ResponderEliminarHaha of course, every girl knows the struggle!
Eliminarthank you for taking the time to read my story and helping improve my writing and fixing some mistakes i made :) -Nikki
Your story of how your friend became your boyfriend is very romantic! For your blog instead of saying "and" so much to describe things that happen in your story, you can use words like "next", "then", or "after that" so that way you have other words to use in order to make your blog sound exciting.
ResponderEliminarHahaha thank youu, that was the point ! :)
Eliminaroh yeah! i actually always use next, then, and finally i actually forgot this time! Thank you for taking the time to read my story and helping me out. Appreciate it. -Nikki
Nikki, such a sweet story! What I'll do is take one of your sentences, and rewrite it myself to show you what subtle improvements you could make to your writing. What you wrote: " The plan was that my boyfriend Sebastian would come to my house at about 1:00, everything was good." How I would write it: "The plan was for my boyfriend, Sebastian, to come over to my house around 1:00. Everything was good!" I hope that helps. Great job!
ResponderEliminar-Hannah S. (Team 1: Univ. of South AL)
Thanks! :)
EliminarThank you for taking the time to read my story and help on my grammar!