Christians, Bullies and me
When I was 7 I was visiting my uncle for
his 47th birthday and we were having a great time but there was nothing to eat
so we went to pizza Christians in Sonsonate.Everything was going great. I finished eating fast, which is a bad habit of mine, and went to the jumping rastle. Then everything went bad.
In the jumping castle there
were six 16-yaer olds that were jumping there and they started laughing and one
of them grabbed me and started to beat me up and passed me by pushing me around
and when I fell down they kicked me in the stomach and then when I wanted to
leave the jumping castle they grabbed me by the shirt and pulled me back.
After a while my cousin that
is two years older than me but is very short came to the jumping castle and
yelled:" WHAT ARE YOU DOING ¡¡??" And the kids grabbed him too. After a while of
pushing him to crash with me they threw him out of the jumping castle and kept
beating me up. After a while they threw me too and I went back with my family.
When
I went back there everything was fine and I didn’t want to tell anything
because was nervous so I just laughed with my cousin about the experience and
now it’s a famous story between my family and my friends
Hi Fernando! I enjoyed reading your story. I'm glad you and your cousin are able to laugh about it now. I'll offer a few critiques, but keep in mind I'm not at all a grammar know it all.
ResponderEliminarEverything was going great but I finished eating fast because it’s a bad habit of mine and I went to the jumping castle and everything went bad.- Here you could break this up more so it does not run on. Ex. Everything was going great. I finished eating fast, which is a bad habit of mine, and went to the jumping castle. Then everything went bad.
You mentioned the six 16 year old's and your cousin, but did not say how old you are in this narrative. I bring this up because later you say the story has become a famous one for your family and friends, so it's hard to mentally build a time line if you don't know where you started from.
Great job! Thank you!
-Fatima S (Team 1-Univ. of South Al.)
Thanks for the dedication you put in the comment. I will try to correct all the mistakes I made.
EliminarHey Fernando! I'm sorry to hear about your bad experience in the jumping castle, but I'm glad you can joke about it with your family! I agree with Fatima, and I also have some suggestions myself. You can add more punctuation in fm your story to separate pauses or sentences, and you can use "quotation marks" to mark when someone is speaking. Nice work!
ResponderEliminarI really appreciate the time you took in reading my story. I will try to not make the same mistakes the next time I write a story.
EliminarFernando, I really enjoyed your story! Sorry to hear you had such a bad experience, but glad you can finally laugh about it! My suggestion for you (much like the others have already said) is to make sure you are using punctuation correctly. It makes all of the difference, and can definitely improve a story!
ResponderEliminar-Hannah S. (Team 1: Univ. of South AL)
Thanks for your suggestions I will keep them in mind. I am glad you enjoyed the story.
Eliminar