It all began on a Friday. Everyone was excited because that night the most popular person in school would be giving out invitations to the party. Not everyone in the school is invited so if you are invited you become popular. She only invites popular people. It was 5 p.m., everyone was excited, she would give the invitations out at 6 p.m. At 6 p.m. everyone was in the gym waiting for the invitations. She enters the gym and all the people were seated and she says, "for the first time 101 people are invited to the party". She always invites 100. My name is Lucas and my story of popularity begins here.
I was in the back part of the gym like always. I say "I will not be invited", so I will wait here. She gives 100 invitations there are not many more people left in the gym. Only me and my not popular fiends Marcus, Diego, Jordan and Irvin. She walks over to me and she gives me an invitation and she says, "see you there". I say "OMG I am invited?". I see the invitation and its says your invited to my party so now you are popular congrats. That day I say "welcome to the new Lucas". I go to PacSun and I buy myself an all new outfit. The next day Amanda who is the one that invite me told me "if you want to be popular you don’t have to sit with them" and I say "ok".
The day of the party I enter into Amanda’s house. Everyone was looking at me and I say "what’s going on?", when I look to Amanda she says "welcome to my 101 guest", and I say ok… later Amanda makes the initiation and I ask what is the initiation? "They hit you and you are popular or they don’t hit you and you are not popular". Ok, so I’m not popular. I left the party and now I have no friends because the friends that I had I left for the bad ones and that’s why I am Alone.
I was in the back part of the gym like always. I say "I will not be invited", so I will wait here. She gives 100 invitations there are not many more people left in the gym. Only me and my not popular fiends Marcus, Diego, Jordan and Irvin. She walks over to me and she gives me an invitation and she says, "see you there". I say "OMG I am invited?". I see the invitation and its says your invited to my party so now you are popular congrats. That day I say "welcome to the new Lucas". I go to PacSun and I buy myself an all new outfit. The next day Amanda who is the one that invite me told me "if you want to be popular you don’t have to sit with them" and I say "ok".
The day of the party I enter into Amanda’s house. Everyone was looking at me and I say "what’s going on?", when I look to Amanda she says "welcome to my 101 guest", and I say ok… later Amanda makes the initiation and I ask what is the initiation? "They hit you and you are popular or they don’t hit you and you are not popular". Ok, so I’m not popular. I left the party and now I have no friends because the friends that I had I left for the bad ones and that’s why I am Alone.
Hello Rene. I enjoyed your story, but it made me very sad. I'm glad at the end Lucas decided to leave the party instead of stay with the jerks there. Also, I would think that if Marcus, Diego, Jordan, and Irvin were Lucas' real friends they would perhaps forgive him. Okay, on to critiquing, please take these comments positively. I am by no means an expert on grammar. I'm going to paste your narrative and change a few things, that way you'll be able to compare them.
ResponderEliminarIt all began on a Friday. Everyone was excited because that night the most popular person in school would be giving out invitations to the party. Not everyone in the school is invited so if you are invited you become popular. She only invites popular people. It was 5 p.m., everyone was excited, she would give the invitations out at 6 p.m. At 6 p.m. everyone was in the gym waiting for the invitations. She enters the gym and all the people were seated and she says, "for the first time 101 people are invited to the party". She always invites 100. My name is Lucas and my story of popularity begins here.
I was in the back part of the gym like always. I say "I will not be invited", so I will wait here. She gives 100 invitations there are not many more people left in the gym. Only me and my not popular fiends Marcus, Diego, Jordan and Irvin. She walks over to me and she gives me an invitation and she says, "see you there". I say "OMG I am invited?". I see the invitation and its says your invited to my party so now you are popular congrats. That day I say "welcome to the new Lucas". I go to PacSun and I buy myself an all new outfit. The next day Amanda who is the one that invite me told me "if you want to be popular you don’t have to sit with them" and I say "ok".
The day of the party I enter into Amanda’s house. Everyone was looking at me and I say "what’s going on?", when I look to Amanda she says "welcome to my 101 guest", and I say ok… later Amanda makes the initiation and I ask what is the initiation? "They hit you and you are popular or they don’t hit you and you are not popular". Ok, so I’m not popular. I left the party and now I have no friends because the friends that I had I left for the bad ones and that’s why I am Alone.
In this last sentence I changed he to I because the narrative is being told by Lucas himself.
Thank you for your story!
Fatima S (Team 1 Univ. of South Al.)
Thank you so much Fatima for your time and your help, Ill take it into account.
EliminarHey Rene! I loved reading your story! I'm going to begin breaking down your story into paragraphs to help you clean up your writing a bit!
ResponderEliminarAll the comments Fatima made above were great points to tell you!
I would also recommend that you focus on making your three paragraphs a little more structured. What I mean by that is that you need to focus on not accidentally making run on sentences.
An advise or tip I can give is to write out each sentence of your paragraph and make sure it makes a complete sentence. Then see if those groups of sentences make sense together! I know that can take time, but when proof reading your blog entries, it could help a lot!
Hope that helped a little!(:
thank you so much Autumn for your time and help, have a nice day.
EliminarI loved reading your blog! When writing your story, make sure you have the proper subject-verb agreement. By this, I mean that if you write about something in the past, present, or future, your verb for that subject should agree in whatever tense you use. For example, "The dogs went to the park." would be correct instead of saying "The dogs goes to the park."
ResponderEliminarthank you Zach have a nice day.
EliminarRene, I really enjoyed your story! What I'll do is rewrite one of your sentences for you to show how to improve your writing skills. What you wrote: "All begin on a Friday all the people was excited because that night the most popular person of the school give the invitations to the party, not all the school is invited so if you are invited you began to be popular she only invite popular people..." How I would write it: "It all began on Friday. Everyone was excited because the most popular person in school gave out invitations to the party. Not everyone was invited though. If you were invited you were becoming popular." I hope that helps you see what improvements could be done. Great job!
ResponderEliminar-Hannah S. (Team 1: Univ. of South AL)
thank you hannah and i will consider you suggestion.
Eliminar