The stranger
One day I was sleeping
and I had a dream, it was about my friends and I, we were in a mall in Spain,
CALLE SERRANO, for been exactly. It was a really beautiful place, I told my friends
(Maria, Justin and Maya) that I wanted to buy a T-shirt, so they told me that
they knew a popular store in the mall, I thought it was a great idea to go and
buy my T-shirt, so we went to the store. All the cloth was beautiful but
expensive, my 2 best friends helped me to select the T-shirt, and it was at
night so the place was a little bit dark, and I looked at the cashier and she was
looking at me with a weird face, like if she was scared, I finally found a
perfect t-shirt.
I got closer to the
cashier and gave her the thing I wanted to buy, she make a strange sound(like
if someone was controlling her) I asked her what was happening, she just looked
around and wrote me in a paper “ someone its outside, please help me”, I was very
scared so I told my friends that I wanted to go out of there, they just looked
at me like if I was joking, then they bought me the T-shirt, we went out of the
store and when they were walking I saw a shadow, I turned around and I saw a
man standing in the corner, he smiled at me and started walking, I told my friends
and we started running, the man followed us, he was running too, we were really
scared and Maria felt down, no one stopped, we continue running but when Maria
screamed we turned around and saw that the man was with Maria, he took his bat
and started hitting her, Justin and Maya started crying, the man killed Maria
and then he said “who’s the next one?”, we started running again and he
followed us, we entered in a room and closed the door, but when we looked back
the man was standing there, he took Justin, and started laughing, we told him
that please leave us in peace but he took the tongue of Justin and pull it off,
Justin was crying and the man started eating his tongue and then he took off Justin’s
eyes and started eating them too, and then he shouted him in the head.
It was just Maya and me,
the man told me that he wanted my new T-shirt and I gave him what he wanted but
later he set it on fire and threw it to Maya, Maya started running, I was
trying to help her but later she just died in front of me, I asked the man why
was he doing that to me and my friends, and he told me that all of them
deserved to die, and he was getting closer to me and he told me “this is not a
dream lady” and I woke up, all the lights were off, and I saw that I had a
message on my phone, and it say “this is not the end lady”.
-Andrea Jimenez-
Hello Andrea! I enjoyed your story a lot. I'll offer a few critiques, but please keep in mind I'm not at all a grammar professional so take them positively. *One day I was sleeping and I had a dream, it was about my friends and I, we were in a mall in Spain, CALLE SERRANO, for been exactly.- Here I would break this up a bit so it doesn't run on. One day, while I was sleeping, I had a dream about my friends and I. We were in a mall in Spain, Calle Serrano, to be exact. *my 2 best friends helped me to select the T-shirt, and it was at night so the place was a little bit dark, and I looked at the cashier and she was looking at me with a weird face, like if she was scared, I finally found a perfect t-shirt.
ResponderEliminarI got closer to the cashier and gave her the thing I wanted to buy,- I would rearrange this part a little to help with the flow of the narrative. My two best friends helped me select a T-shirt. We finally found the perfect one.
It was night so the place was a little bit dark. I looked at the cashier and she was looking at me with a weird face, like she was scared. I got closer to the cashier and gave her the shirt I wanted to buy, *Maria felt down- Maria fell down * he took the tongue of Justin and pull it off, Justin was crying and the man started eating his tongue and then he took off Justin’s eyes and started eating them too, and then he shouted him in the head.- he took Justin's tongue and pulled it out. Justin was crying and the man started eating his tongue and then he pulled out Justin’s eyes and started eating them too. Then he shot him in the head. *I asked the man why he is doing that to me and my friends, and he told me that all of them deserved to die,-this to me and my friends. And he told me that all of us deserved to die,
Again I enjoyed your story thanks for sharing. -Fatima S(Team 1- University of South Alabama)
thank you so much for the critiques, i will take them in to account :)
EliminarAndrea, your story was scary! I loved it though! Just a few things to critique:
ResponderEliminar"It was just Maya and me, the man told me that he wanted my new T-shirt and I gave him what he wanted but later he set it on fire and threw it to Maya, Maya started running, I was trying to help her but later she just died in front of me, I asked the man why was he doing that to me and my friends, and he told me that all of them deserved to die, and he was getting closer to me and he told me “this is not a dream lady” and I woke up, all the lights were off, and I saw that I had a message on my phone, and it say “this is not the end lady”."
^ All of that is definitely a run-on sentence. Instead of using commas to continue the sentence, use a period to end the sentence. For example: "It was just Maya and I, the man told me that he wanted my new T-shirt." The continue the story in another complete sentence. Overall, it was a great story! Keep up the good work!
-Hannah S. (Team 1: Univ. of South AL)
thank you, i appreciate the time you took to read my story and thanks for the critiques too :D
EliminarHi Andrea! Your story is very scary but exciting! I have been to Spain too, it's very beautiful! One helpful tip when writing your blogs is to use punctuation to separate sentences or ideas. Adding commas and periods helps make it easier for the reader to understand. Another thing I would work on is your subject-verb agreement. Making sure that your verbs agree with the subjects they belong to helps you become a better writer and English speaker. Nice job!
ResponderEliminarthanks i will try to do my best to improve my punctuation :)
Eliminar