JIMMY AT HOME DEPOT
Jimmy my brother and I
were in home depot but my dad
tell us before that he will take us to Toys R Us but he took us to home depot
and when you are a child you always play in the bathroom section and we were
playing to poop on the toilets and it was Jimmy’s turn but he actually poop.
When we realize we did not know what to do but the I
took a toilet box and I put it on the top and then we just vanished and we were
the most behavior kids in home depot and when my dad paid we heard the loudest
scream in home depot and the only thing that you could heard is “POOOOP!!!”
then the manager went to check what happened and everybody began to scream and
puke and my dad went and he looked to the poop the he look at us then he turned
back to see the poop and we were like statue, no movement and no breathing and
my dad said “LETS GO” and we never went back to home depot.
by Arturo Cienfuegos
by Arturo Cienfuegos
Hello Arturo! I loved your story! Very funny! I'll offer a few critiques, but please keep in mind I'm not at all a grammar professional so take them positively. I'll post a version here so you can compare the two.
ResponderEliminarMy brother,Jimmy, and I were at home depot. Before arriving our dad told us he would take us to Toys R Us, but instead he took us to home depot. When you are a child you always play in the bathroom section. We were pretending to poop on the toilets and it was Jimmy’s turn, but he actually pooped.
When I realized he had, we did not know what to do. So I took a toilet box and I put it on the top and we just vanished. We were the most behaved kids in home depot. When my dad was paying we heard the loudest scream and the only thing that you could hear is “POOOOP!!!” Then the manager went to check what happened. Everybody began to scream and puke. My dad went and he looked at the poop, then he look at us, then he turned back to see the poop. We were like statues, no movement and no breathing and my dad said, “LETS GO”! We never went back to home depot. Good job! Thank you again for your funny story. -Fatima S (University of South Alabama)
Arturo, your story made me want to puke too! Haha! Very funny! Just a couple things you could change to improve:
ResponderEliminar- "My brother, Jimmy, and I" instead of "Jimmy my brother and I"
- Be careful using run-on sentences. Use a period to end the sentence rather than a comma to continue it.
Overall, you did a great job! Keep working hard!
-Hannah S. (Team 1: Univ. of South AL)