Title: The pain
I was in the school playing
soccer with all my classmates. I was playing so good that I got excited, later
our team kicked the ball and it went to the corner.
My classmate Rene kicked the ball
and I jumped to reach it but when I jumped my classmate Arturo kicked me in the
legs instead of kicking the ball, I just heard my leg cracking and I couldn’t
move it. My classmates were all shocked and began to laugh about me (they are
bad classmates) but Arturo got me off the pitch ,I was crying like a little
baby and passed out.
When I woke up I saw my leg and
it wasn’t that bad but when I saw my ankle It was Literally hanging from my leg,
the doctor told me that I suffer a sprain in the ankle I couldn’t move it and
it hurted a lot when the doctor put like a special sock in my ankle I cried a
lot. Later that day the doctor told me that I should move my ankle in two weeks
,I was so sad about it and I knew that I wouldn’t be the same playing soccer
because when a player gets hit ,he doesn’t get at his 100% capability .
The days passed and I didn’t feel
any better my ankle began to turn into a purple color and the doctor didn’t
know what was happening at that moment I knew that I wouldn’t walk like in four
months.
The days passed and I got a lot
better but I couldn’t walk normally anymore but atleast I can walk.
By: Mario Arevalo
Hi Mario! If this is a true story I'm sorry you were injured playing soccer. Don't be too hard on yourself I probably would have cried too. I will offer a few critiques on your story, but please take them positively. I am no grammar expert. *I was playing so good that I got excited, later our team kicked the ball and it went to the corner.- Here you would say I was playing so well instead of good. And I would make (Later our team kicked the ball and it went into the corner.) its own sentence. *My classmate Rene kicked the ball and I jumped to reach it but when I jumped my classmate Arturo kicked me in the legs instead of kicking the ball, I just heard my leg cracking and I couldn’t move it.- This sentence seems like a bit of a run-on so I would break it up. My classmate Rene kicked the ball and I jumped up to reach it. When I jumped up another classmate, Arturo, kicked me in the legs instead of kicking the ball. I just heard my leg cracking and I couldn't move it. *laugh about me-laugh at me *When I woke up I saw my leg and it wasn’t that bad but when I saw my ankle It was Literally hanging from my leg, the doctor told me that I suffer a sprain in the ankle I couldn’t move it and it hurted a lot when the doctor put like a special sock in my ankle I cried a lot.- Here you have another fairly long run on. When I woke up I saw my leg and it wasn't that bad. However, when I saw my ankle it was literally hanging from my leg. (It may have been accidental, but here there were two words capitalized that didn't need any capitalization: It and Literally.) The doctor told me that I had suffered a sprained ankle. I couldn't move it, and it hurt a lot when the doctor put a special sock on my ankle. I cried a lot. *told me that I should move my ankle in two weeks ,- told me that I shouldn't move my ankle for two weeks. *I was so sad about it and I knew that I wouldn’t be the same playing soccer because when a player gets hit ,he doesn’t get at his 100% capability.- I was very upset about it. I knew that I wouldn't be the same playing soccer because when a player gets injured he rarely regains 100% of his capabilities. *The days passed and I didn’t feel any better my ankle began to turn into a purple color and the doctor didn’t know what was happening at that moment I knew that I wouldn’t walk like in four months.- The days passed and I didn't feel any better. My ankle began to turn purple and the doctor didn't know what was happening. At that moment I knew that I wouldn't walk for about four months.
ResponderEliminarI'm glad your story has a positive outlook in realizing that at least you could walk. Very nice job.
Thank you for your story!
~Fatima S (Team 1- University of South AL)
Thank you Fatima for your advice,I appreciate it .Have a nice day
EliminarMario, I am so sorry for you if this story is true. Your English is impressive though! However, make sure you are properly using punctuation. For example (what you wrote):
ResponderEliminarThe days passed and I didn’t feel any better my ankle began to turn into a purple color and the doctor didn’t know what was happening at that moment I knew that I wouldn’t walk like in four months.
(What I would write): The days passed and I didn't feel any better. My ankle began to turn a purple color, and my doctor didn't know what was happening. At the moment, I knew that I wouldn't walk in four months.
Just the little things make all of the difference in your writing! Good job!
-Hannah S. (Team 1: Univ. of South AL)
Thank you Hannah for your advice,I really appreciate it and Ill take it into account.Have a amazing day
Eliminar