It was a normal typical day, I just had finished
getting ready to go to school, I was brushing my teeth when I heard the school
bus almost leaving, so I ran as fast as I could until I reached it and went to
school. While I was walking through school, just lost on my thoughts; I saw
him. My crush; He looked pretty chill just hanging and walking around with his
friends, not even realizing that I had such a huge crush on him at that time.
Before I could notice, they were already walking in my
direction, this was my chance to show off. But what do I do? Well from what
movies, series and magazines had taught me, I should tried to walk like a
model, put a pretty face, and flirt gently (I know, pretty ridiculous right).
Anyways I got nothing to lose by trying; so I did it, when they pass beside me,
I flirted, or something similar; I walked like a model, I smiled, and even did
a confident pose (a great achievement for a 5th grader).
But it seems that life had very different plans for
me; when I was in the climax of my flirting achievement I trip over something I
don’t surely remember (probably my own foot, or a rock) and I fell on my back…
in front of my crush…and his friends…(great). It took me a while to process
what had just happen, I didn’t knew what to say, how to act; should I get up?
Should I stay down? Should I cry like a baby?
My thoughts were interrupted by a laugh followed by others, and before I
realize, I was laughing too! I turned to see where those laughs came from, and
guess what? It was my crush and his friends. (absolutely wonderful…)
At the end, my crush friends helped me got up after a
minute of they and me laughing because of the hilarious incident of before;
they asked me if I was ok, what happened, how did I fell; followed by the
comments of “that was so funny”, “looks like the gravity is stronger in you”,
etc. and that’s the story of how I fail a flirt when I was in 5th
grade in front of my crush.
Written by: Sonia E. Santamaria G. 
Hi Sonia! I enjoyed your story and I especially liked your humor. I'll offer a few comments on your writing. Keep in mind I am no grammar expert so take them positively.
ResponderEliminar*It was a normal typical day, I just had finished getting ready to go to school, I was brushing my teeth when I heard the school bus almost leaving, so I ran as fast as I could until I reached it and went to school. While I was walking through school, just lost on my thoughts; I saw him. My crush; He looked pretty chill just hanging and walking around with his friends, not even realizing that I had such a huge crush on him at that time.- Here I'm going to break some of your sentences up so they aren't run on sentences and change a couple things. It was a normal day and I was just finishing up getting ready for school. I was brushing my teeth when I heard the bus about to leave. I ran as fast as I could to reach it and headed to school. While I was walking through school, lost in my own thoughts, I saw him. My crush. He looked pretty chill just hanging out and walking with his friends. He didn't know that I had such a huge crush on him at the time. (Just curious, did you ever tell him?)
*Before I could notice, they were already walking in my direction- Before I realized, they were walking in my direction
*Anyways I got nothing to lose by trying; so I did it, when they pass beside me, I flirted, or something similar; I walked like a model, I smiled, and even did a confident pose- I had nothing to lose by trying, so I did it. When they passed by me I flirted (or something similar), smiled, and even did a confident pose
*I trip over something I don’t surely remember(probably my own foot, or a rock) and I fell on my back- I tripped over something. I don't exactly remember on what, probably my own foot or a rock, and I fell on my back *I didn’t knew what to say- I didn't know what to say *and before I realize- and before I realized
*At the end, my crush friends helped me got up after a minute of they and me laughing because of the hilarious incident of before;- At the end, my crush's friends helped me get up after a minute of us all laughing at the hilarious incident. *the story of how I fail a flirt- the story of how I failed at flirting
Again, a very delightful story. It's good to be able to laugh at yourself. Thank you. ~Fatima S. (Team 1-University of South AL)
Hi Fatima! Thank you for your commentary, you helped me realize of some grammar errors that I didn't know I had made!! I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed my story, cause that was my goal! Oh and by the way, it's been like 5 years and no, I never told him through all this years, but when I grown and mature more I realized it wasn't my type at all!; so until this day we just remain as friends (not that close but well..).
EliminarThanks again, blessings and have a wonderful and full of laughter day! ;)
Sonia, I really enjoyed your story! You did a great job. I'm going to use a sentence you wrote, and rewrite it myself to show where you could make some improvements. What you wrote: "It was a normal typical day, I just had finished getting ready to go to school, I was brushing my teeth when I heard the school bus almost leaving, so I ran as fast as I could until I reached it and went to school." How I would write it: "It was a normal, typical day. I had just finished getting ready for school. I was brushing my teeth when I heard the school bus starting to leave. I ran as fast as I could until I caught the bus, and I then went to school." Just a couple of differences made to improve the writing. I hope this helps! Great job!
ResponderEliminar-Hannah S. (Team 1: Univ. of South AL)
Greetings Hannah! I'm glad to hear you liked my story! Thank you for your commentary, it helped me realize of my spelling and grammar mistakes, and taughted me how to use some tiny words and expressions that can change greatly a story's development and comprehesion to the reader.
EliminarThanks again, blessings and have a nice day! :)
Sonia, your blog is very funny! You have a great sense of humor. For your blog, I would suggest that you proof read your writing before you send it so that way you can check for any errors that you might not have seen before. You can also work on your verb tenses and their agreement with the subjects. Excellent work!
ResponderEliminarHello Zach! I'm glad to see you enjoyed my story and that I could make you laugh a while with my funny sillyness, cause that was my goal. And thank you! I hadn't realize about those mistakes!! I guess I will have to pay more attention when I write haha!
EliminarThanks again, blessings and have a fantastic day! :D