My dream
It was Friday 7th, October 2016. My name is Gabriela Magaña and my day was awesome, I enjoy with my friends and
family. It was 5:30 in the afternoon and I was going to my house with my dad.
My dad and I make a coffee, a caramel macchiato to be exact. Later I go up
stars to my bedroom to have some sleep while I wait for my mom and go to
dinner. I slept like for two hours it was 7:30 at night and my mom arrived, I
thought it would be difficult for me to sleep later that night. I went to a
beautiful restaurant that night with my family, I had a great time. Later that
night I felt asleep like by 10:30 p.m., I had a beautiful dream that later
became so emotional to me. My dream started with my friends wanting to hang out
and go to a place to have lunch. But we did not have the chance to do it.
Suddenly I was in a big mall! I was with two of my friends. We were going to
buy a beautiful ring in my favorite store, Pandora. My boy-friends bought me
the ring I wanted and my girl-friend bought herself one. When I was going out
of the store, and I turn around to see my friends. When I saw them they were
adults, totally professionals. I was shocked for what I have just see. Later I
saw myself too, as an adult and professional. I turned around to see my boy-friend
and he had become a handsome man, in my dream I knew that none of them were
married. We were just hanging out.
In my dream we went outside the
mall and I recognized immediately, we were in Northridge, Los Angeles. I used
to go there when I was little. I was like a dream come true, being there with
my friends. I was shocked at what I had just seen. Just as they wanted to, it was great to see
them again and knowing those years later. My dream ended with that incredible
situation, I woke up being so happy, I was sure that someday I will meet them
again in the future after we say goodbye in our Prom. I was almost crying from
happiness. All day I was thinking about that beautiful dream I had. I told my friend about the dream and we got excited about the future. It was a great dream, I
wish I could have another one like that! Later, I go upstairs to my bedroom to get some sleep while I wait for my mom to arrive so we can go out to dinner.
Hello Gaby! I enjoyed your story. I'll make a few critiques, but keep in mind I'm in no way a grammar professional, so please take them positively. In your first sentence I would leave out the introduction of yourself. It takes away from the flow of your story. *Later I go up stars to my bedroom to have some sleep while I wait for my mom and go to dinner.- Here I would do a little re-phrasing. Later, I go upstairs to my bedroom to get some sleep while I wait for my mom to arrive so we can go out to dinner. * I was shocked for what I have just see.- Here you switch from past to present tense. I was shocked at what I had just seen. *I told my friend the dream and we get excited about the future- I told my friend about the dream and we got excited about the future. Overall a lovely story. Thank you for sharing! -Fatima S (Team 1- University of South Alabama)
ResponderEliminarthanks!! your critique was very helpful and i will try to make my best in the next one.
EliminarGaby, well done! I really enjoyed your story. I'm not a professional, but I'm able to critique from a native speaker perpective. The first thing I recognized was your run-on sentence used in the very beginning of your story. You had "It was Friday 7th, October 2016, I am Gabriela Magaña, my day was awesome, and I enjoy it with my Friends and family." I, personally, would try this: "It was Friday, October 7th, 2016. My name is Gabriela Magaña, and my day was awesome! I enjoyed it with my friends and family." When you have complete sentences being joined, it is crucial the correct puncuation is used. Overall, it was a great story! Keep it up!
ResponderEliminar-Hannah S. (Team 1: Univ. of South AL)
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Eliminarthanks for the tip!!! I will try to imporve my puctuation and try my best. I appreciate that you take your time to read my story.
EliminarGabby, your blog about your dream is very interesting! I agree with Hannah and Fatima's comments but I also have another helpful tip. When writing your blog, make sure that your verbs agree with the subjects in the sentences. Subject-verb agreement helps you become a better writer and English speaker and makes you seem smarter! Proof reading your blogs before you send them allows you to check over one last time before you submit each writing so you can look for errors. Great job!
ResponderEliminarthank you so much!! I will try to use the subject-verb agreements to become a better writer and English speaker. I really appreciate your helpful tip.
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